He Held My Hand

In April 2005 I had a pulmonary embolism. It was a bad one as the clot was large and almost closed both branches to both lungs. On a Friday morning I got up and then collapsed in the chair in the living room, unable to move. The ambulance had to be called, and then I was flown by airplane from Colstrip to Billings. I was taken to the emergency room, and that evening I was moved to the Intensive Care Unit. Of course during the entire time I was groggy and in pain, and drifted in and out of consciousness.

The entire time I knew I was in danger, but there was a sense of peace about it. For some reason I was not real afraid of dying even though the possibility existed. I just had a feeling it wasn't my time, and the whole thing felt like a dream. That's not to say I was not scared. While in the Colstrip clinic the deacon from our church came up and prayed over me with a friend and my wife. It was very comforting. While there, people were holding my hand to comfort me.

I drifted in and out, and woke up in the ICU. My wife was in a chair on one side of the bed. I drifted in and out and she was often holding my left hand. When night came, I woke up several times and thought someone was holding my right hand. I opened my eyes and my wife was still on my left. On the right side of the bed there was nothing but the machines. I went back to sleep, and several times during the night I woke up with the feeling that someone was holding my hand and sitting next to the bed. When I opened my eyes, there was no one there.

You can think what you want, but I know what I feel. The entire time I felt Jesus was near. I told myself over and over through the day if it was my time, then so be it. I left it up to God and Jesus to decide. They decided I still needed more time here thankfully. The first night in ICU, sick and afraid in the dark, He held my hand.

I think there a lot of times, good and bad, if we just sit or lay quietly and relax, we will find Jesus is with us. He is always with us. At a time when I needed him badly, he was there, and he held my hand.

@May 2005 Faith, Healing and God - RiCaL